Divorce

LOOKING AT DIVORCE - THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD

First published in Caring - Alliance for Parents and Families 2000

WHO TO BLAME? - PARENTS?

There are in excess of fifteen million children in the US who have experienced first hand the dissolution of their family by the process of divorce. Divorce unfortunately brings out the worst in people and parenting skills seldom improve. Even when parents are able to see beyond their own emotional, physical and economic chaos they make mistakes that will impact the relationship with their children for years to come. In their attempts to reassure their children parents lie and obfuscate. In their attempts to look good in their children's eyes they resort to buying their love, or demeaning the other parent. In their anxiety to spend enough time with their children they curtail the opportunities for them to form meaningful new relationships. In their need to move on with their own lives they may leave behind their children's.

During the process of divorce children suffer multiple losses. Not only do they lose the nuclear family we hold up to them as the ideal, but each loses the parents they knew, as both parents change to accommodate their new life situation. Some children are forced to suffer not only changing relationships with their parents, but abandonment-a loss greater than bereavement, as it carries with it the hope of reconciliation and the fear of not being worthy-enough for that reconciliation to happen. Some lose their childhood and become burdened with the physical and economic responsibilities of helping support a single parent. Some lose their peers, as they become the "buddy," or the "rock" on which their parents' fragile egos rest. Many children lose their self-esteem as they struggle with their belief they were at fault and their consequent obligation to put everything right again. Their schemes, based on a false premise, seldom succeed, adding to their sense of failure.

OR SCHOOLS?

For children the most painful part of divorce is the difficulty it creates in keeping a close relationship with both parents. They have to contend with both the obvious logistic hassles and the complex emotional issues divorce creates. Both are made more daunting by the ways in which society and its agents create roadblocks to those ongoing relationships. Take schools for example. Most schools are not set up to communicate effectively with two parents living at different addresses. School notices, calendars, newspapers and report cards are sent to one parent with little likelihood of the information reaching the other. Conferences are set with one parent unless the other insists on two. That leaves one parent with the distinct message that they are of little importance in the child's life now they live elsewhere. It also leaves the child with one parent who has little appreciation of what is happening at school and often even less of what is happening at home.

OR DOCTORS?

The medical profession fares no better. Most pediatric offices, although open to fathers, are seldom places that fathers feel welcome. Even when living in the family home they are often unable to answer the health and development questions they are asked and once living apart usually have minimal knowledge of their children's bowel habits or ear infections. If the office staff have heard about the family problems only through the mother, most fathers get the distinct impression they are the enemy. Meanwhile the child sees the doctor's office as yet another place where he is not on neutral territory when it comes to defending his need for his father's attention.

OR THERAPISTS?

Mental health professionals miss golden opportunities to connect with children of divorce before there is a behavioral or emotional problem that can't be ignored. Waiting for the child to exhibit inappropriate aggression, or falling grades, or poor peer relationships, depression, or substance abuse is to wait for behaviors which are hard to treat, costly to society and destructive to the individual. Most children in the first years of divorce are under the age of eight, confused, embarrassed, isolated and looking for ways to feel normal. Supportive adults who understand the issues involved for children and who will act as mentors and role models while the disorganized parents get their act together, are invaluable.

OR LAWYERS?

Perhaps the segment of society that creates the most chaos in children's lives are the attorneys and the courts. The adversarial system they embody creates and sustains an atmosphere of unrelenting hostility between divorcing parents which decreases the likelihood that they will ever be able to cooperate when it comes to looking after the best interests of their children. In the rhetoric about fairness to men and fairness to women the issue of fairness to children seldom surfaces. When it comes to visitation agreements the cry from children is always "When are they going to listen to what would work for me?" It should be, but is not, normal practice to have a one year trial period during which parents could try out various schedules of visitation free from the fear that if they relinquish time with their kids that decision will be encoded in the final agreement. Such a simple procedure would avoid many unworkable visitation agreements and support families as they struggle to adapt to their new and rapidly evolving life circumstances. Schedules that seldom work but are currently "standard" include those with multiple short visits, those with unrealistic pick up and drop off time, those that insist on handovers being done at the family "home" instead of school or neutral territory, and those that do not build in the need to modify as the children get older. Impractical schedules cause heartache, anger, resentment and parental hostility-none of which is in the child's best interest.

OR US ALL?

Finally all us, whether we meet with parents and children professionally or socially, need to be aware of the ways in which children could benefit from our help and support. We all avoid the subject of divorce, if we can, because like cancer and death we are scared to face the pain head on and neither know what to do or say. But the children from these families in flux can help us. They are crying out for us to just listen to them. If we can do that without making moral judgements on the inadequacy of either of their parents children will feel valued and worthy at a time in their lives when they doubt this the most. We cannot stand by and claim divorce is a private family matter. Children are condemned to stand in the midst of the complex adult emotional tangle that creates a divorce, and painful as it may be, those who care about children must stand with them. Teachers, coaches, neighborhood friends, doctors, nurses, psychologists, lawyers and judges, cannot hide behind the limitations placed on them by their professional roles. We are all just one degree of separation from divorce in this society. We need to be our children's advocates rather than innocent bystanders. Each of us in our professional and non-professional roles has an opportunity and a responsibility to speak up for these children and offer them our support. To do this effectively we must be prepared to listen to what they are telling us and respect their point of view. All of us need to be prepared to take the risk of shedding the "shoulds" and "oughts" of our own distorted adult-centered vision and, for once, try looking at divorce through the eyes of a child.

Copyright Jennifer Lewis M.D & William Sammons M.D. 2000

THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD

When I was only two years old,
My daddy went away.
He swore he'd always love me,
But he said he couldn't stay.
Days turned into weeks
And weeks turned into years.
I never saw my father,
He never saw my tears.
He never read me bedtime stories
Or tucked me in at night.
He never showed up for my birthdays,
But I always hoped he might.
He missed my first day of kindergarten
And all of my school plays.
He doesn't know how smart I am,
My report cards full of A's.
Sometimes I want to call him
To say Hey Dad I'm still alive!
I'll be 16 years old soon,
Will you teach me how to drive?
It's almost time for college,
The years go by so fast.
I'm looking forward to my future,
But I'm still trapped within my past.
I guess I'll never understand,
Did I do something bad?
My parents got divorced,
But why did I lose my dad?
 

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/poem-about-divorce-through-the-eyes-of-a-child#ixzz3JjzLYv6A

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TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT YOUR SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Public Health Agency of Canada

www.publichealth.gc.ca

Talking to your children about your separation and divorce is often the hardest and most emotional step in the process, yet how parents handle this crucial step can set the pattern for future discussions and influence the level of trust children feel in the future.

Telling your children that you are separating or getting a divorce will trigger a variety of responses that can vary from confusion, fear and sadness to anger, guilt and shock. Your children will want to know that you will not abandon them, physically and emotionally.

Take the time to handle this process thoughtfully and carefully. In particular, create a safe environment for these discussions with your children. For example, if there's too much conflict between parents, it's best for only one parent to explain what's going on. Here are some practical suggestions:

• Think in advance about a good time and place to talk to your children. Choose a place where your children will feel comfortable. It's a good idea to have subsequent conversations with each child alone, especially if there is a significant age difference between them. Their abilities to understand the situation and their reactions to the news are quite different.
• Keep in mind that most children would benefit from several shorter talks, rather than receiving all of the information at once.
• If appropriate to the situation, it's best for both of you to be together to tell your children. This will reassure them that they are not being abandoned and that you will cooperate in their future.
• Avoid waiting until the last moment. Contrary to popular belief, delay will not protect children from anxiety.
• Tell children, in general terms, why the separation is taking place. Remember to think about their age and stage of development. Children need to know that separation and divorce is not their fault. In other words, separation and divorce is an adult problem: "Mom and Dad could not find a way to work out our problems or to make things any better. We've made mistakes and we're sorry that we're causing you pain."
• Plan what to say ahead of time. Above all else, be genuine. Depending on the circumstances, here are some messages that may be useful:
• "Separation is a grown-up problem and you are not to blame. It is our problem and we will work it out."
• "I/we know it seems unfair that these problems cause you pain and unhappiness. I/we wish things were different, too, but they're not, and we all have to work at accepting the changes in our family."
• "We won't be living together any more, but we both love you no matter where either of us lives."
• "You will always be part of a family."
• "I/we want you to say what you feel and think. You may feel worried, angry and hurt. I/we understand because adults often have these same feelings too."

Give your children lots of opportunities to ask questions and share their thoughts and feelings. Because younger children may be afraid to ask questions or don't yet have enough experience to express their ideas, you may want to raise some questions that may be on their minds. If they are quiet during the discussion, remember that children need time to digest information. Be prepared to revisit the discussion and let them know that you are willing to talk about things as often as they need or want to.

Some children will have suspected a separation. For others, it will come as a complete shock. Children need time to adjust. Although some children may feel relieved that things are finally out in the open, they will still feel vulnerable and insecure. At first, children of all ages may not be able to imagine life without both parents under the same roof, no matter how strained or difficult family life may have been. Parents need to be patient with an unhappy child or youth.

Teenagers have the advantage of a growing maturity and understanding of human relationships. However, this greater understanding makes them aware of how life will change, from housing to disruptions in their school and social life. Therefore, pre-teens and teenagers will worry about how the divorce will affect them - both now and in the future. You can help by encouraging them to talk about their feelings, express disappointment and fears, and give them some say in how to deal with changes likely to occur.

You may be surprised by how much grief your children experience after hearing news of the separation. In some cases, a child's grief is quite profound. This can be very difficult and upsetting to deal with. Being a loving parent means that there are times when you may feel guilt. However, it's important not to let yourself think "I should have done more." As a parent, it's natural to always want to do the best for your children, but feelings of guilt are usually not in your best interests or those of your children. Guilt may add to an already deep sense of personal loss and sadness, and may provoke self-destructive thoughts. Feelings of guilt can also cause us to become defensive and closed to others.